SAN BERNARDINO - Jaime Gonzalez doesn't have the sad eyes you might expect from someone who, at age 12, watched his father murder his mother.

The 34-year-old Cal State San Bernardino student has warm eyes that crinkle slightly when he grins, which is often.

He will be recognized next week by the California State University Board of Trustees with the award of a $3,000 scholarship for his accomplishments.

Gonzalez, who graduates in June with a master's degree in clinical psychology, will use the money to pay for application fees and campus visits for doctoral programs. He wants to continue his education at UC Santa Barbara, UC San Diego or UCLA. He's also applying to top out-of-state schools.

But Gonzalez's path wasn't easy.

Born with spina bifida, Gonzalez had his first surgery the day he was born. He endured 11 more before turning 15.

"The one thing about being born with spina bifida is it's made me resilient to things that happen,' Gonzalez said. "I bounce back.'

The surgeries were successful. Many spina bifida patients end up in wheelchairs, but Gonzalez is able to get around on his own.

When he was 10, his family moved from La Puente to Guadalajara, Mexico. Gonzalez's father was verbally abusive to his family, but had never been physically abusive before killing his wife.

The day of his mother's murder, Gonzalez's father was enraged because he thought his wife was having an affair.

He beat Gonzalez "like he was beating another man. He punched me, kicked me, tore my clothes.'

Soon, his mother came home. She took Gonzalez to an upstairs bedroom and told him to stay there. Gonzalez said he begged her, "Don't go out there. Don't go out there.'

But she did. Gonzalez peeked through the door. He saw his father shoot his mother in the head.

"I remember the sulfur smell. The powder,' Gonzalez said.

He ran to her. She had a gaping hole in her cheek, he said.

"They said she died instantly,' Gonzalez said. "But she looked up at me and blinked her eyes. Doctors say that was just nerves, but I believe it was more like a goodbye to me. She died in my arms.'

In jail the day after the murder, his father showed no remorse, Gonzales said.

For years, guilt and shame plagued Gonzalez. A couple of days before the shooting, his mother had asked him why he didn't stand up to his father for her.

"It was a long time before I realized I was just a 12-year-old boy,' Gonzalez said.

Gonzalez returned to La Puente, where he grew up, to live with his oldest brother.

Gonzalez found acceptance there with gangs. It's a time he doesn't like to discuss. He started fighting, drinking, experimenting with drugs "things I'm not proud of,' he said quietly.

He dropped out of school after 11th grade, moved out of the house and started working at In-N-Out Burger. But he wasn't stupid. When he took the GED, he scored better than 97 percent of those taking the test.

Around 1993, Gonzalez started taking classes at Victor Valley Community College in Victorville. At first, he'd drop anything that overwhelmed him.

"I was taking classes just for the heck of it,' he said.

Of all things, a visit from his father in 1995 spurred his education. His father was released from prison after serving two years.

"I was able to ask a lot of questions,' Gonzalez said. "He didn't have answers for everything. But I was able to see remorse. We saw him cry for the very first time.'

The visit gave him closure and allowed him to forgive his father.

"That was when I started to get serious about school,' Gonzalez said.

After that night, Gonzalez talked to his father about once a year. They last spoke in 1999, the night before his father died in Mexico of a heart attack.

"He told me he loved me and was sorry,' Gonzalez said. "I think he knew. I think he saw his time was coming.'

Gonzalez's childhood also sparked his interest in psychology.

"I am interested in why do people do what they do and why do they lose it sometimes,' he said.

Gonzalez hopes to become a clinical psychologist to help children at risk of joining gangs and children dealing with domestic violence.

"I look at what's ahead, what can be,' Gonzalez said. "One tragic event doesn't have to destroy an individual. It can, but it doesn't have to.'

He's gotten some practice with patients in the university's Community Counseling Center.

"You just feel it inside,' he said, touching his chest. "This is what I love to do. It energizes me and brings me comfort.'

And he's good at it, sychology professor Michael Lewin said.

"He's a very empathic individual in that he's able to understand what it feels like for another person,' Lewin said. "He's also warm and caring. From an academic standpoint, he's eager and willing to dedicate himself to working hard. With each success or achievement he aims higher.'

Unknown to Gonzalez, Cal State San Bernardino's financial aid department forwarded his information including a personal statement to the screening committee for the 2003 Hearst/CSU Trustees Scholarship.

Six students from the 23-campus system were chosen for the award based on their academic, civic and social accomplishments.

"Coming to school was a wonderful experience,' Gonzalez said. "It's been challenging at times, but it makes you realize you can do what's required of you at this level. Maybe I've always been smart and I didn't realize it.'